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Adapting to children entering and leaving the family
If you have found your relationship has hit rock bottom with the introduction or departure of your children, then you are not alone. When a child enters the family, a big change occurs in everyone lives; this is a time for a lot of emotion and responsibilities. Unfortunately, not everyone adapts to this change, or sometimes the nature of the changes catches people by surprise, and they never really accept the new lifestyle. Likewise, when a child departs from the home, massive changes occur in the relationship, which many couples are not prepared for. However, having a difficult time need not mean the end of a relationship, or if you have decided to separate, an end of a friendship. This information provides some common problems and solutions for those finding themselves in this circumstance.
Having a baby brought out the worst in them, and it was only a matter of time until they showed their true self
Sometimes when a couple engages in therapy, they feel that the problem has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with each other showing their ‘true colours’. So sure are couples of this, that they don’t even see the introduction of a new member of the family as a reason for their life to change, only that their partner has become ‘different’. Often, there are several things at work here.
The family is an ever changing dynamic, which must adapt to changes in the environment in order to thrive. However, sometimes change does not occur in perception and behaviour, even when something new happens to the family. A child is often one of those situations, in that parents fail to adapt when a child enters the family. What are some practical techniques to avoid this? If separation has already occurred, how can you repair a broken relationship from affecting your family? When children enter the family, one or more of the partners does not alter their work hours or behaviours at home, or they assume that their partner will pick up the extra work that comes with a child. Couples that fail to communicate their needs and desires with one another grew apart instead of coming together at the difficult time of raising a baby. As they begin to resent each other, their communication becomes non-existent, until finally they considered divorce. This couple at one time were deeply in love, shared many hobbies and passions, so how did this happen? How does it happen to so many other couples?
The family is an ever changing dynamic, which must adapt to changes in the environment in order to thrive. However, sometimes change does not occur in perception and behaviour, even when something new happens to the family. A child is often one of those situations, in that parents fail to adapt when a child enters the family. What are some practical techniques to avoid this? If separation has already occurred, how can you repair a broken relationship from affecting your family? When children enter the family, one or more of the partners does not alter their work hours or behaviours at home, or they assume that their partner will pick up the extra work that comes with a child. Couples that fail to communicate their needs and desires with one another grew apart instead of coming together at the difficult time of raising a baby. As they begin to resent each other, their communication becomes non-existent, until finally they considered divorce. This couple at one time were deeply in love, shared many hobbies and passions, so how did this happen? How does it happen to so many other couples?
Are you being reasonable?
Do you or your partner have reasonable expectations that you have communicated with one another? You may be surprised about how many couples read into each other’s’ communication, or don’t communicate their feelings at all. But if you do, are you communicating reasonable requirements? For example, if you have a new baby, is it reasonable to expect one person to do all baby-related activities?
The shoe is on the other foot
A spousal relationship, like any other partnership, requires emphasising with the other person. Are you treating your partner in a way that you would like to be treated? How would you feel if they did to you that thing you do? When it comes to children, sometimes stereotypes of roles (which often originate from your family and upbringing) get in the way of reasonable and understanding goals. But what does that mean? For example, Emma and Jacob have just had a baby together. Emma has put her career on hiatus, so that she can spend time with the baby, because they both agreed. Jacob earns more money and is coming up for an important promotion. However, Jacob’s promotion has him working longer hours, spending little time helping Emma with the baby. Jacob believes that Emma will probably never go back to work, as he now earns enough money for both of them. Besides, she enjoys doing all the ‘baby stuff he finds hard’. Emma, on the other hand, is deeply concerned that Jacob is never home, but she knows he worked hard for the promotion, and does not want him to think that she is ungrateful. However, she wishes to start easing back into her career and is hoping that Jacob may begin taking over some of the responsibilities. Both come to therapy after having a major argument when Jacob felt ‘under-appreciated’ and Emma felt ‘hurt by his sexist attitude’. In the example above, it is clear that the problem did not lie in something being inherently wrong with either person, but instead on communication, empathy, and reasonable expectations.
When children leave the nest
For example, Maxine and Eric’s daughter has left home to go to university. At first, the couple were excited to spend time together, go on those holidays that they always dreamed about, do activities together, and maybe even open up the restaurant they always talked about. However, Eric, who had stayed at home to bring up their daughter, felt he needed to find the ‘real him’, now that his identity as his daughter’s carer had gone. He had put aside his wishes for so long, he no longer knew what he really wanted, and feels like Maxine, who got to have the career, is the one making all their new life choices, including the restaurant. Maxine is at a loss, after bringing in good money for over two decades, because they finally have the chance to travel the world, but Eric keeps setting up events that keep them at home, and when he is not doing that, he is locking himself away writing novels. Both have come to therapy worried and deeply concerned that they are falling out of love. This loss of identity and failure to communicate has an impact on many couples once their child leaves home. These issues sometimes lead couples to discovering that the only thing keeping them together was their child, and now it’s time to go their separate ways. In therapy, couples can discuss these options, helping them find if they truly do wish to separate, or if they wish to rediscover their relationship. In the example of Maxine and Eric, they learned to accept each other as individuals who wished to find themselves, whilst nurturing their relationship by listening to what each other wanted and felt.
Children leave their mark
When a child enters the family, a shift happens, and the family has to adapt to make room for a new member into their lives. They must be flexible, communicative and understanding of each other’s needs. If someone holds a stereotype, this must be addressed. Where did it come from? Why does that person think that way? Can it be altered to suit the relationship? As children grow up and prepare to leave the home, the parents must adapt again, finding themselves with new challenges and difficulties, which can lead to arguments and concerns of isolation. However, in opening up a dialogue, have reasonable expectations. Finding someone to help facilitate your goals to positive well-being, couples can work through their disagreements to reach their desired goals.
More Information on Counselling & Therapy Relating to Separation & Divorce
- Why have we grown apart? My partner just does not seem to understand what I need from them
- How will my children be affected by our separation? Solutions for children acting out or siding with one parent
- Is your extended family driving a wedge between you and your partner?
- Why do we always fight? Are you sure that you do?
- Separation and communication: Are you growing apart, but afraid to speak out?
- Adapting to children entering and leaving the family
- Can counselling help us move forward post-separation?
- Why does separation hurt so much? Why do I feel differently towards my partner?
- Domestic violence: What is it, what can we do about it, and how to get through it
- Infidelity: Why did my partner cheat? Can our relationship be saved?
- Contemplating separation? Will a trial separation help or hinder?
More Information on Mediation & Family Dispute Resolution
- Family Dispute Resolution
- Parenting Plans
- Financial Agreements
- Child-Inclusive Mediation
- Section 60I Certificates
- Child Support
- Child Support Calculator
- De Facto Relationships & Separation
- Divorce & Mediation
- Grandparents & Mediation for Grandchildren
- Parenting Plan & Draft Consent Orders for Children
- Property Settlement at Mediation
- Mediation & Domestic Violence
- Relocation & Overseas Travel with a Child
- Going to the Family Court versus Mediation
- Family Dispute Resolution & Mediation
- Child Support & Mediation
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DISCLAIMER: The information contained on this website is for general guidance only. No person should act or refrain from acting on the basis of this information. Professional counselling or therapy or psychology advice should be sought based upon your particular circumstances.