Family Influences on Relationships | Family Law Mediator

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Is your extended family driving a wedge between you and your partner?

You may not realise it, but your parents or your partner’s parents may have a profound effect on how your relationship with your partner unfolds. Forget Freudian psychoanalysis or that controlling mother-in-law that phones three times a week. This information focuses on very subtle yet powerful ways in which your relationship with your parents influences your relationship with your partner. These are called generational patterns, and can affect anything from a breakdown in communication, to resenting your partner for something that can be identified and treated.

How do my parents affect my relationship?

It might seem odd at first, but a family therapist may ask you to help them draw what is known as a family genogram (a diagram of your family members and their relationships). There is merit to this seemingly bizarre technique: it gives the therapist a very clear idea of who your family are and what they have experienced. For example, parents’ and siblings’ marriages, divorces or deaths in the family can affect people’s behaviour in their current family a great deal more than you might initially think. These effects can range anywhere from what you expect from your partner, and children, to fears that were instilled into you from a very young age. Common concerns or problems begin with our relationship with our parents.

My parents owe me a debt?

For example, Alex and Jackie have been married for three years, and recently tensions have risen to the point that they have hit a brick wall in their relationship. Alex feels as though Jackie does not trust him, and Jackie can’t understand why Alex does not want to spend more time together. As the therapist explores their relationship, it becomes apparent that both feel a sense of debt, entitlement and expectations, based on their relationships with their parents.

Alex had a difficult relationship with his father, who used to punish him seemingly at random; his father’s moods were erratic and his outbursts ranged in intensity. Alex did not receive the trust he needed from his father, and thus feels a debt of trust, which he is unconsciously projecting onto Jackie. Jackie likewise did not receive a great deal of affection and time from her parents, who were busy working professionals. Jackie feels a debt of affection and attention from her parents, which she, too, is expecting from her relationship with Alex. A family therapist may begin to explore how Jackie and Alex expect their partner to fulfil this obligation, which has two effects: firstly, when they are unable to fulfil this debt, both feel resentful; and secondly, in trying to fulfil their partner’s needs they both feel entitled to receive something back, which is never received because the partner did not feel anything was given. It becomes obvious that there is a complex set of issues that are circular in nature, which can lead to confusion, resentment, and a breakdown in communication.

Mimicking our parents’ relationship

You and your partner likely come from very different backgrounds, with different environmental, social and maybe even cultural influences, all of which have shaped the way that you are today. Some of these factors, such as how our parents’ relationships were, affect what we expect in our relationships. If your partner comes from a very close-knit family, with a loving and nurturing relationship between their parents, then they, too, may expect the same thing from this relationship. This does not sound like a bad thing; however, they may also expect certain behaviour, which their parents demonstrated, because after all they were a ‘perfect married couple’, so it must be the ‘correct behaviour’. This behaviour can range anywhere from stereotypes such as a man fixes the car, and a woman cooks the meals, to more subtle expectations, such as you look after the money and all outgoing expenses. Let’s take another example: in her mind, Maggie had the picture-perfect family; her father brought in the money, and her mother took care of the expenses. Her father knew nothing about what was spent or how it was spent; all he knew was there was enough money in his wallet to buy drinks after work. Maggie is having problems with her partner, George, who in her mind is ‘distrustful’ and refuses to have a joint bank account. Maggie feels this lack of trust means that the relationship can only fail, whilst George, who wants to make Maggie happy, wonders why she is so obsessed with controlling his finances. By looking at Maggie’s parents’ relationship, the therapist can identify why the couple have such contrasting beliefs about who looks after money and what trust means to both of them. Further exploration found that George’s parents had a rocky relationship with money, as his mother often over-spent, and his father told George many times that “women spend money like water” and that he had to work another job just to pay debts incurred by George’s mother. The implications to both how George viewed women, a partner and money are profound, and forged what George considered to be what trust means to him. Even though Maggie has shown herself to be fiscally responsible and earns more than George, George allows his parents’ relationship to permeate his own. Sometimes people forget how different their upbringing and family culture is, but more importantly how this environment affects their understanding of the world.

Can highlighting these issues ‘fix’ our relationship?

Identifying these problems and inherited debts or obligations and stereotypes can help reduce their influence in your relationship, and allow you to focus on communicating better, building trust and working toward your goals in your relationship. Identifying these issues often helps bring about an understanding not just of the self, but of your partner. It can bring people closer together, and help build bridges of trust, dialogue and even repair bridges with past generations.

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DISCLAIMER: The information contained on this website is for general guidance only. No person should act or refrain from acting on the basis of this information. Professional counselling or therapy or psychology advice should be sought based upon your particular circumstances.