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Infidelity: Why did my partner cheat? Can our relationship be saved?
Trust is paramount in most relationships. Infidelity breaks that trust, making it difficult for both parties to decide what they should do and if it’s possible to continue in a relationship. Separately, couples might feel a sense of betrayal and neglect, and may even develop issues around anxiety and insecurity, even depression. This information will outline why infidelity happens, what it means to couples, and what options are available to you both.
Why did they cheat?
It may be tempting to assume that your partner is a ‘horrible’ person – and likely, that is putting it mildly. Therapists can help explore why infidelity happened, and how it might represent a problem in the relationship, or an individual struggling to adapt to the relationship. When a partner is cheated on, they sometimes blame themselves. They wonder, “What did I do to make them cheat on me?” It is easy to see how these thoughts escalate: “What did I do wrong?” becomes “What’s wrong with me?” Quickly, that can become a state of anxiety: “Will they cheat on me again?” and “Am I too fat/too thin/not sexy?” It can even lead to depression, such as feelings of worthlessness, isolation and very low self-esteem. A therapist can help address these issues by helping you confront your thinking, as well as helping you understand why you have these thoughts, whether these thoughts are realistic, and how to correct this way of thinking and self-blame.
You may also feel angry at your partner, because you see them as a ‘terrible’ human being. You may not be interested in why they did it, but instead focus on them as a ‘cheater’. However, this may cause conflict in the way in which you view your partner; on the one hand, they may be loving, affectionate and good with the children, but on the other hand, they may do this selfish, horrible act that makes it easier to demonise them. If you and your partner wish to move beyond this – either in a relationship or simply by remaining on good enough terms after you have separated – then it may help to identify why they cheated. For example, James has cheated on his wife Rose, and a month later, overwhelmed with guilt, he admits to what he has done. James and Rose go to therapy because Rose can’t see how ‘there is any way to move beyond this’ and that he is ‘no longer the man I married’. Further, Rose has developed severe trust issues; she constantly checks his phone, and they both know that the relationship can’t continue like this. In further exploring their relationship and what led to the infidelity, it was found that James was suffering from depression, for which he had been prescribed anti-depressants to deal with his feelings of underachieving at work. He had not received the promotion that he had told Rose he had received, and he felt that Rose expected him to be ‘earning the big bucks’. However, a young client from work seemed to be impressed with James despite these feelings; she made him feel manly and powerful.
The therapist takes a non-judgemental approach to therapy, which applies to both James and Rose. Acknowledging that there were events and feelings that led to the cheating is not the same as saying that it was acceptable or that Rose was to blame for how James felt. However, by acknowledging why he cheated, Rose cannot see him simply as a two-dimensional, bad person, but instead accept that this was a mistake he made, based on a part of his life that does not have to define him or the relationship. This is not to say that James won’t cheat again, or that the relationship is something that can be saved. But it does demonstrate the options available to the couple.
You may also feel angry at your partner, because you see them as a ‘terrible’ human being. You may not be interested in why they did it, but instead focus on them as a ‘cheater’. However, this may cause conflict in the way in which you view your partner; on the one hand, they may be loving, affectionate and good with the children, but on the other hand, they may do this selfish, horrible act that makes it easier to demonise them. If you and your partner wish to move beyond this – either in a relationship or simply by remaining on good enough terms after you have separated – then it may help to identify why they cheated. For example, James has cheated on his wife Rose, and a month later, overwhelmed with guilt, he admits to what he has done. James and Rose go to therapy because Rose can’t see how ‘there is any way to move beyond this’ and that he is ‘no longer the man I married’. Further, Rose has developed severe trust issues; she constantly checks his phone, and they both know that the relationship can’t continue like this. In further exploring their relationship and what led to the infidelity, it was found that James was suffering from depression, for which he had been prescribed anti-depressants to deal with his feelings of underachieving at work. He had not received the promotion that he had told Rose he had received, and he felt that Rose expected him to be ‘earning the big bucks’. However, a young client from work seemed to be impressed with James despite these feelings; she made him feel manly and powerful.
The therapist takes a non-judgemental approach to therapy, which applies to both James and Rose. Acknowledging that there were events and feelings that led to the cheating is not the same as saying that it was acceptable or that Rose was to blame for how James felt. However, by acknowledging why he cheated, Rose cannot see him simply as a two-dimensional, bad person, but instead accept that this was a mistake he made, based on a part of his life that does not have to define him or the relationship. This is not to say that James won’t cheat again, or that the relationship is something that can be saved. But it does demonstrate the options available to the couple.
How am I supposed to feel?
Couples counselling is about exploring feelings that both partners are experiencing, and how in communicating these feelings they may be able to come to move forward with their relationship post-infidelity. For example, James and Rose continue therapy, although they set goals to keep an open dialogue, not necessarily to stay in a relationship. The therapist sets them both homework, in which they make an effort to communicate with each other whenever they feel angry, hurt, frustrated or worried. James works on trusting that his wife will not see him as less of a man if he admits to having problems, and Rose works on communicating her anxieties about him cheating again to help her control her thoughts of self-blame and the compulsive need to check his phone. The therapist also works to manage expectations: Rose wanted James to give up his mobile, and James wanted Rose to agree to an end goal of loving him again. Although it is tempting for Rose to control the situation by not allowing James to have a phone, the therapist helps the couple see that this would lead to stifling James, to not building trust but instead to place a leash. Likewise, the therapist acknowledges that agreeing to loving again is not within Rose’s control; it is something that they have to work on through building trust and mutual respect.
What about the children?
A partner cheating does not mean that they are no longer trustworthy to look after children. Infidelity is not indicative of their ability to raise and look after children. It is important to know that if you wish to separate, but don’t want your children to be around the ‘cheater’, then a therapist can help you to see what options are available. This may involve discussing and bracketing off the cheating aspect, and looking at the other qualities of the partner. It also means building trust again, and acknowledging why cheating happened, and what it says about the person who cheated.
How can I ever trust again?
In the example, not only does Rose no longer trust James, she is worried that she will never trust any man again. Rose attends therapy individually while James and Rose are spending time apart, during which she confesses that she is considering ending the relationship, but does not know how she can allow another man into her life. She is worried that her anxiety over not trusting the next person will cause her to scare off anyone that shows any interest. The therapist tries to help Rose work on her feelings of anxiety, and how she can begin to trust again, based on tackling her thoughts holding her back. A therapist can make a big difference to the way in which you acknowledge your thoughts, interpret them, and manage your behaviour based on those thoughts.
Summary
Infidelity is a difficult obstacle to overcome. Issues such as trust, guilt, shame and anger will surface, and need to be processed. However, through an understanding of why it happens and how you are processing the infidelity, it is possible to move forward, both as an individual and as a relationship, if that is the choice you make.
More Information on Counselling & Therapy Relating to Separation & Divorce
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- Why does separation hurt so much? Why do I feel differently towards my partner?
- Domestic violence: What is it, what can we do about it, and how to get through it
- Infidelity: Why did my partner cheat? Can our relationship be saved?
- Contemplating separation? Will a trial separation help or hinder?
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DISCLAIMER: The information contained on this website is for general guidance only. No person should act or refrain from acting on the basis of this information. Professional counselling or therapy or psychology advice should be sought based upon your particular circumstances.