Domestic Violence & Family Abuse | Family Law Mediator

PLEASE NOTE: The following information does not constitute counselling or therapy or psychology advice in any way. Any names and circumstances provided are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or to actual circumstances is purely coincidental. All content is the copyright of Family Mediation Direct and must not be in any way reproduced without prior written permission. All rights are reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: If you are suffering abuse (whether physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, verbal or otherwise) or have reason to believe that a child is suffering from abuse, please scroll down to the summary to find contact information for agencies that may be of assistance.

Domestic violence: What is it, what can we do about it, and how to get through it

If you are separating or seeking mediation services to help any disputes between you and your partner (or ex-partner), then you may find that counselling can provide you both with the help to get to where you want to be, particularly where there has been domestic violence or suspected domestic abuse. Domestic abuse, both physical and psychological, is a very sensitive, and a difficult matter to talk about or even to admit is taking place. However, if you choose to talk about abuse, either to move forward in your relationship or as part of a mediation service whilst separating, then there is a chance for you both to address issues keeping you from having a relationship, either a romantic one or otherwise. Further, talking about abuse can help you move on from a relationship, which may be preventing you from pursuing new intimate connections with people.

What really is abuse? Everyone gets angry…

Abuse happens to both men and women, and it is nothing to be ashamed about, nor should you feel that you contributed towards it or deserved it in any way. However, some people fail to recognise when they are being abused, either because they are in denial or because they don’t recognise it as abuse.

To be clear, abuse is not just physical; it is psychological, emotional, sexual, verbal or otherwise. Abuse is the harm, either intentional or otherwise, to a person and usually happens more than once, and often can be chronic. Physical abuse is in some ways easier to acknowledge and recognise and can happen to both men, women and children. For example, Sandra gets angry quickly, especially when her boyfriend Bill forgets to pick up dinner on his way home from work. One day, when he gets home, he finds Sandra has had a few drinks – she is really furious, hurls abuse at Bill before scratching him on the face. Bill walks away, telling her to calm down. She then throws a glass at him. The glass shatters across his forearm, lacerating his skin. But Bill says nothing. How can it be abuse when she is 4 inches and 30 kilograms lighter than him? Bill ‘knows’ he would be laughed at if he told anyone about this. When people at work ask, he just says his “misses was pissed”, which his workmates laugh off.

But Bill is suffering from physical abuse from someone who becomes violent when angry. When they come to couples counselling, after insistence from Bill’s sister, Sandra breaks down into tears, because she can’t help the violent thoughts that overwhelm her. She says that she loves Bill, and promises to never hit him again. Acknowledging that there is a problem and that abuse is taking place is the first step in dealing with abuse. The abusive person may wish to stop hurting their partner, and may genuinely feel regret and remorse, but what is important to establish is how to prevent physical harm in the future, the danger the abused partner (and/or any children) is in, and offer treatment and safe places for the abused to go to if they need time away, or if they feel afraid.

I think I just need time away to think about things

In the example, Bill loves Sandra, and feels that with help they can make it work. But Bill needs some time away from Sandra to think about where their relationship is going. Spending time apart can help both people work on goals, think about their relationship, and reflect on where they want to go. The abusive person can especially benefit from this time to work on goals directed at controlling anger issues, for which they may undergo individual therapy.

Can we salvage what we had?

If you have decided that, after suffering abuse, you wish to stay together, there are options available to you both. A therapist will aim to meet your goals, and if you wish to stay with your partner, those goals will be what the therapist addresses. Please note that the therapist is not there to end your relationship or to make choices for you. If you wish to go back to your partner after being abused, that is your choice, and the therapist is ethically obliged to not beg or plead with you. All a therapist can do is offer psychological education, treatment options, and intervention strategies. But you should be aware that, if the therapist feels that your wellbeing is at high risk, they are obligated to take action. If your life is at risk, or if it is suspected that a homicide might take place, the therapist will be obligated to contact the police.

I feel afraid for my wellbeing

If you report abuse, and the therapist feels that it is ongoing, they may give the local police a courtesy call, so that if you do call in an emergency, the police are aware of the situation and the seriousness of the problem. A therapist will also offer you names and contact details of shelters, which can arrange to pick you up, take you to a safe location, and keep your whereabouts confidential. It should also be said that there are phone numbers to call for both abusive persons and those who are the victim of abuse, to help you or your partner at a time of greatest need.

Psychological abuse and children

A far more subtle form of abuse can be psychological abuse, which can be unintentional and just might be considered being ‘stern’, but can lead to depression, lowering of self-esteem and increase in feelings of worthlessness. For example, Ted and Jen have a rocky relationship. She knows that is he is physically and psychologically abusing her; when he gets angry he slaps her and yells at her. In trying to make sure their son Tim does not ‘make the same mistakes as his mother’, sometimes Ted will hit her and shout at her in front of Tim, yelling at Tim to learn from her mistakes and not to be ‘weak like his mother’. When the two come to therapy, they are surprised when the therapist asks if Tim could come to sessions. The therapist explains that what Ted is doing may be having profound psychological effects on Tim. The therapist openly tells the couple that child abuse (including psychological child abuse) is something that has to be reported to the authorities, and that Tim may have to be taken away for a time for his own safety. Ted feels angry, ashamed and hurt by the therapist’s words, because he did not see himself as a child abuser, and ‘how dare’ the therapist compare him to those ‘sick people who hurt kids’. But with psychological education and help from the therapist, the couple see the effects that this could be having on Tim.

Summary

Abuse is a difficult topic to discuss and admit to. Further, abuse can sometimes go unnoticed, especially in children who may be experiencing abuse as a by-product of issues between the parents. Each Australian state and territory has different contact details and branches for domestic violence and child abuse reporting. However, for more information, please refer to the following:

Australian Institute of Family Studies for child abuse and neglect
Department of Communities, Child Safety and Disability Services: Call 07 3224 8045 or 1800 811 810 (or during after-hours, call 1800 177 135)
Kids Helpline: Call 1800 55 1800
Lifeline: Call 13 11 14
1800RESPECT for domestic violence and sexual abuse: Call 1800 737 732
Police for help if someone is in imminent danger: Call 000

Even during this very difficult time, however, you still have control and power when it comes to getting assistance. In seeking help, you will not be threatened to have your children taken away. You or your partner will not be accused, berated or judged. The therapist is there to help you both get to where you want to be, whether that is separating or staying together. If a child is involved, the therapist will not take your child away from you; instead, they will make sure that the child’s welfare is a priority. Seeking family mediation when abuse is suspected can be a growing experience for you both, since mediation can assist in building bridges of trust and communication, as well as offer a non-judgemental service for you and your loved ones.

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DISCLAIMER: The information contained on this website is for general guidance only. No person should act or refrain from acting on the basis of this information. Professional counselling or therapy or psychology advice should be sought based upon your particular circumstances.